It's 2.32 am now. I know I SHOULD be studying right now, but I've decided to online for a while. To take sometime off studying Health Physics (Fizik Kesihatan). Well, before you all try to say something (especially yfen and bh), I've done my revision 2 times at least over this subject, then only I online. I still know that I need to study. These few days have been quite weird for me. I just don't know why. Perhaps, devils are begining to chance when I'm trying to do something correct. Usually like that one lor, when one begins to really stand up for something that is correct, devils will come and kacau. Hehehe... I reackon that is what is happening to me right now. Last Saturday my YWD honbu called me, my YWD chapter vice chief and another girl from Balakong to a lunch at Mines. At first I thought maybe she wants to just have a normal gathering lor. Well, later we found out that we are going to heed our new mission as YWD vice chapter chief. I was a little shocked and happy; but, later did calm myself down. Past few weeks I have been chanting to Gohonzon that I'll strive for Kosen-rufu after my exam and viva (during the long holidays) to find my future. Before this (when I was in second year), I did chant to be promoted as vice chapter chief, it didn't turn out to be so. Perhaps at that particular time I am not ready yet. In fact, when I was in second year did I manage to do my job as a District leader (after so many years... I was promoted to Han when I was just in Form 3... then a District from Form 5). Back then, I didn't really carry out my role as a District leader, not until when I was in my second year in UKM. I believe these are all Gohonzon's best path for me. I still believe that now and forever... Hehehe...
So, what has this got to do with my weird feelings these few days? It coincides with the concert that Galaxy Chamber Orchestra that will be held on the 23rd of April. I was one of the committee members for the concert. Somehow, the first meeting turn out to be a discussion over our feelings about GCO and about the concert. To be frank, when I first heard of the concert, immediately the word 24K flash through my mind. But, to the other committee members, they did have other views regarding this concert. For them, the think of it as just a music appreciation and a concert dedicated to the parents as a form of saying thanks to their patience and time in sending their children to GCO pratices. Yes, I do agree on this, but, can't we do more than just thank them? Can't we make this concert a present to the parents, family, friends and also to Ikeda Sensei?
I was quite upset about this concert. I wanted so much to give the biggest present to Ikeda Sensei. I wanted to perform in front of him. How? I found out that, through 24K I can give my biggest present to Sensei although I couldn't perform in front of him. Yesterday was the second meeting, I didn't say a word throughout the whole meeting and was constantly falling asleep during the meeting. I slept around 3am and woke up at 7.30am to fetch local HSD to Kaikan for cultural activities. This is the lamest reason that had come out from my mouth! I didn't want to look like that... But, devils really is taking opportunity on me now. Deep down in my heart I felt sorry that I've behave like a kid during the meeting. Just now, when I chanted to Gohonzon, I just made a promise to Gohonzon that no matter what, I will feel the happiness each time I go for practices at kaikan - I mean in every practice. Last Saturday's pratice was like hell to me. That is the first time after going for practices for 8 months constantly to feel like throwing my RM800 violin on the floor... Breaking it into bits and pieces and never to touch violin for the rest of my life! Hah... Scary huh... I was shocked too, at myself having those silly thoughts.
Well, I constantly remind myself of this praticular exerpts of Gosho: "To accept is easy; to continue is difficult. But Buddhahood lies in continuing faith." Really, it is easy to aceept, but can one guarantee that he or she will continue faith after 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years? It's hard to say all this, let alone one really realize their mission for the rest of their lives in this world. So, what can we do about it? For me, I would say carrying out the practice of Study, Faith and Action. Continue to strive in the pathway of Kosen-rufu no matter what until the end of my last breath in this world.
It's 3am now, I guess I would stop here for the time being. After my exam on Tuesday, I shall continue here in this lovely Blog. For Yfen and BH, thanks for being there when I'm sad and happy. Thanks very much. You guys are the greatest! The best present from Gohonzon is to have you guys as my life comrades! Cia You!!! Yeah! All the best in your finals! Ganbarimashoo!